I have counciled enough to know this information cuts both ways .
Of course, I was drugged , very ill, and traumatized
that X left me on my own for 5 years .
Little boys, young men, listen to me…your mother isn’t the villain in an abusive relationship. You might think things are all her fault, you might think her leaving is destroying the family for no good reason, you might be persuaded by your father’s lies and manipulation that your mother is the bad parent, but before you judge your mother, there are a few things you need to know…
Your relationship with your father is not what you think it is. Your mother was abused. Let me repeat that…your mother was abused, traumatized, and victimized by your father. I know this might not agree with what you saw or what your father told you, or what your mother told you. Your unawareness isn’t proof that it didn’t happen; it’s proof that your mother shielded you from the trauma that she endured at the hands of your father. You and your mother are both victims…of the same abuser.
She hid you in her love from the endless barrage of attacks — the mental assaults, emotional punches, verbal beatings. You saw the protected version, the version that your mother wanted you to see of your father, so that you wouldn’t despise or hate your father, or worse, grow up to be like the father you didn’t know. You saw your mother’s trauma, triggered, depressed, and yes, sometimes you heard her pain. But don’t be confused, you didn’t know she was in survival mode.
The relationship you have with your father, the view you have of your father, and the innocence you believe belongs to your father came at a heavy price. Your mother paid the price, she went along to get along, she suffered in silence, she walked wounded, she prayed in pain, she tried not to fill you with the poison she was drinking daily, to prevent you from having to recover from your childhood in your adulthood. You see your father through eyes that were protected by your mother’s silent pain.
My mother tried to do the same thing. It didn’t work. I can tell you that I wish I didn’t see what I saw — you can never unsee it. I wish I had never seen the pain, the hurt, and the shame in my mother’s eyes — you can never unsee it. I wish I would have never seen the blood, the chaos, the confusion, but my mother couldn’t shield me from the terror that scared me so bad that I would choose to urinate in the bed at night rather than get up and walk 10 feet to the bathroom to avoid running into the monster that came out at night — drunk and raging.
Don’t be angry at your mother because you didn’t see what so many see. Don’t judge your mother for trying to protect your innocent eyes from the pain of abuse. Don’t allow your shielded view of your father to turn you against your mother. I know this is a lot to swallow, but try to understand this: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Your mother laid down her life so that you could have a life. You didn’t ask her to, you might think she should have told you, but she did what she thought was best for you, at the time, because she loves you. Imagine how she would feel if she were to lose your love for trying to save your innocence.
See, abuse is the sin, abuse is the evil, abuse is what breaks up homes…not the victim. Your mother didn’t break up your home, your mother was broken in your home — until she couldn’t take it anymore, until God called her to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). You don’t have to hate your father to embrace your mother, to believe your mother, to love your mother. You can have two separate relationships with your parents. Remember, your mother is not the enemy; she’s the friend who laid down her life for you. She deserves your honor, and if honoring your mother causes your father to withdraw his conditional love from you or makes you feel disloyal to your father, the abuser, that’s called grooming, not parenting. This is true for both sons and daughters. I am addressing boys/men in this post from my personal experience.
Mothers, if you are experiencing this nightmare, if you are heartbroken over your child being turned against you, and would like expert support and guidance to rebuild your relationship with your minor/adult child, join me for a group coaching event designed just for you. Visit my website (link in bio and below) for more information about the “Silent Struggle: Post-separation Abuse Group Coaching Cohort.”
Website: http://www.patrickweaver.org
GreatCosmicMothersUnite 