In the aftermath, or during a heart-wrenching experience, we long for closure, a definitive conclusion, with all loose ends tied up and the world put to rights. Watching the end of a film, we want the villains to get their comeuppance and truth to prevail. Or we’re left feeling that the law or justice system has failed and everyone has been duped. Welcome to the world of the alienated parent!
The reality is that, understanding why someone chose to alienate us from our children, is hard to get our heads around. It’s a jigsaw puzzle and the sense that there are missing pieces. It might help to try and accept that this is the case. Some questions may remain unanswered. It’s not a failure on our part, but rather a testament to the complexity of human behaviour, especially when fuelled by pain and dysfunction. It’s crucial to recognise that what alienating people do is more about them than us. Their actions stem from their own unresolved issues, and/or their desire to avenge a wounded ego. Understanding this helps shift the focus away from self-blame and onto the alienator’s will to hurt you from a place of hurt within themselves. Not always. But often this is the case. Their issues become our problems, but we can’t fix them. Apologies from those who engage in alienating behaviour are rare. Accepting the likelihood of no apology is a pivotal step towards letting go of an expectation that we can change them.
The only person we can truly change is ourselves. Accepting this truth grants us the power to reclaim control over our lives. It doesn’t mean surrendering to the injustice or excusing the alienator’s actions. Instead, it’s an empowering acknowledgment that our healing is within our control. It’s about releasing the grip their actions may have on our emotional well-being. It’s about cultivating a resilience that allows us to live fully despite the absence of closure. This is an ongoing process of self-discovery, self-compassion, and finding joy beyond the pain, choosing to embark on a journey of personal growth and healing, irrespective of the apology or closure we may never receive.
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GreatCosmicMothersUnite 