Abusive people who lie, cheat manipulate, and hurt others with impunity, and no accountability or guilt, sometimes actually think of themselves as victims. No matter how badly they treat people, it’s not their fault. It’s your fault. In fact, the problem probably started when you started noticing their abuse. And to add to this problem, the fact they get away with their abuse, without facing punishment or consequences, the fact they can carry on, in their minds, justifies their behaviour. The alienating parent often genuinely believes they are right and good. Wow!
The concept of cognitive dissonance can help us get our heads around this. To resolve any discomfort from being ‘in two minds’, people tend to either adjust their beliefs or justify their actions. The alienating parent may engage in self-justification, convincing themselves that their actions are for the child’s well-being. They may genuinely believe that they are protecting the child from the other parent’s perceived harm or influence. This self-justification can lead them to see their behaviour as morally justified. They also often adopt a victim mentality, perceiving themselves as hard done by or failed or hurt in the past, and this somehow excuses/accounts for their current behaviour. It can also lead them to cast blame on you. It is a way of deflecting responsibility. They deny and project their negative qualities onto you, rather than face their own flaws and shortcomings. Some alienating parents lack self-awareness and may not recognise the harm they’re doing to their children. The alienating parent typically resists counselling or any situation where they may have to confront their behaviours, and in this way, they can carry on in their belief that they are right, and you are wrong.
While I hope this explanation helps shed light on the mindset of abusive or alienating individuals, it does not justify, excuse or condone the harm they cause to others, especially children caught in the middle. My wish is that if you understand these psychological dynamics, it can be enlightening, even empowering, enabling you to navigate the situation with more clarity and compassion, both for yourself and for your child. Most importantly, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for positive change. The love and bond you share with your child can endure, even in the face of alienation. Stay resilient, focus on your child’s well-being, and believe in the possibility of reunification and healing in the future. Your unwavering love and commitment can significantly impact your child’s life. Strive to be happy.
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