“Just Leaving “ is not that easy…

I’m not sure where anyone ever said that leaving a toxic relationship was as easy as “Just Leave!”

If anyone knows exactly how UNEASY it is, I’m definitely in that category.

Back when I left my toxic marriage, I had zero clue about narcissistic abuse. I went to seven different therapists, and not a single one of them could help me because they simply didn’t get it.

I saved up for several months, got my own apartment, and moved out while my ex was off on one of his week-long silent treatments.

I had some serious financial hardships. I went on government assistance, sold my plasma, sold almost everything I had of value, appealed to the local churches to help pay my utility bills, did odd jobs on Craigslist, got some of my food from local food pantries, etc., etc. One year, a local after-school organization paid for my oldest son’s birthday.

Then started the stalking and harassment. It got so bad that I had to get a restraining order, pro se, because I couldn’t afford an attorney at that time (I won).

Then there was the constant harassment through the court system, which was another layer of trauma unto itself.

This is just the Spark Notes version. It was a living nightmare that went on for quite a long time.

So, when I encourage you to find a way to leave, I know EXACTLY what that means for you.

I only encourage you to explore the idea. Many people say they can’t leave because of finances, but have you tried? Have you explored your options? Have you contacted your state organizations? Have you been in touch with your local social services?

Don’t assume you’re stuck without at least exploring ways to freedom.

I had to fight to get where I am. It certainly wasn’t as easy as “Just leave.” I’ve never said that, and I’ve never meant that. But one thing I do know is this, based on a quote by Richard Bach, “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.”

The one thing I did that allowed me to get to this place was to stop staying comfy in learned helplessness. I stopped looking for reasons it wouldn’t work, and I looked for solutions and ways that it would. I threw away Plan B, and didn’t even consider staying in (or going back to) the relationship an option. I got to a place where I could take care of myself and my children on my own…and at one time I was working three jobs to make that happen, in addition to the government assistance.

Yeah, my kids and I ate sandwiches and only ordered from the dollar menu when we went out, but it was the best of times, anyway. I struggled during holidays and birthdays, but we still enjoyed our special occasions because they were filled with love, not war.

When we’re in this situation, we have two options, stay or leave. Because abusive relationships damn sure never get better. So, we have to base our decisions on that, not on a far-off fantasy of who someone used to be before they turned into a nightmare or expect that they’ll ever have a miraculous transformation and actually give a care.

That’s my story. I am so glad I chose myself and my children over a hopeless, abusive relationship with a person who never cared about any of us.

Because it was all worth it to get where I am now. Every tear, every time my heart broke, every time I saw how little my youngest son mattered to his father, every time I had to take my ex back to court for violating court orders and continuing with his hateful ways, every time I remember how heartless and cruel my ex was…it was all worth it.

Because now I and my children are free.

And it definitely wasn’t as easy as “Just leave”.

⁠

Your friend on the journey,

Kim