How tragic , how very true . Awareness of deeply vulnerable emotional issues that grew more shadowed as responsibility hit far too soon and early in our relationship.
As did his pronounced attachment to Mother , and he ignored her negativity and outright abuses of myself , then our sons, which were lighter in my presence.
The humongous responsibly he carried were financial and I was not entitled to know more than surface. That was in house , for all intents it appeared we were wealthy, and yes I did think so, but it was a Big Daddy thing to have money that was his to regulate .
The exact schelding , routine , and lack of authenic communication adversely affected our trusting each other, for avoidance of deeply emotionally, which was always met with anger, then rage as he internalized blame instead of listening and assuming responsibility.
Learned in childhood imprinting , and altered by trauma, it’s apparent, was then, but I had no resources.. I was imprinted in thinking it was my job , to try to clear , and yet I had such shakey ground , it was impossible to gain the info , actuate it, while wearing all the hats demanded of a young mother of 3 sons .
Advantaging my state of induced AMA medicine , by choice or trauma, making disadvantaged choices for me , that have kept me bound to an energy that’s extremely unhealthy .
Coming to on my own , but for very marked signs of spirit , after setting my intentions, I did have many tower moments , but never did I say I wanted to die ..
After a very long off /on with a feminine of his exact masculine, I became educated as never before, only last year .
While her very tuff, all knowing , highly superior and very secretive outer self ruled, her inner was often suicidal, addicted or co dependent in many ways. Ignored as blame was projected every where but taking responsibility , loaded with fear , blame , and cheapness of mind body and spirit, I finally walked away from any nuance of friendship .,I will never trust in that person again.
How she parented was exactly the same secretive , manipulative way and there were recoils when she finally split her relationship.
Uber concerned about money ,24/7 , much action , manipulation , greed came out, as well as hoarding money etc as plans were made ,years in the making .
Partner augmented this, asking if it would be ok to date , for being in this over decade vortex of never pleasing his beloved, of never being enough , had driven him to drink , and he was lightened by the vulgar ending , as he grew more awake ..
So much of the limited time in the conclusion last year challenged me, but I cleared it , realizing the curses that would be made and the rebound that are karmic , to teach her.. Listening to the partner explain his experience , and the excuse given was that I made her leave as she did , with no warning ,
The exact opposite was true, with regard to partner and children . Projection that it was my idea, is a childhood issue , and we ending our communication, sharing the belief of just how much trauma was silenced , wanting to heal, but very dangerous as she burned everybody up by targeting, projecting and cursing..Ignoring her health , emotionally and physically..finally awakening and cramming in years of dental and medical, updating all parts of her life as if hiatus for that decade ..
It grew very old , after years of no contact , the repeated energy , jealously and competitive, moneymaking reboot , my lesson completed.
May you find your way as I did , with more ease and less trauma and loss.
Blessings & Peace