Dad story

I have four daughters (16, 14, 12, and 10) and a very bitter exwife of 8 years. She hasn’t so much as gone on a date because as she tells our girls, she lives her life for them.

I have moved on (rather quickly I will admit) and have an amazing fiance, two stepsons, my business is doing well, and overall, I’m a very happy man. That is with the exception of my relationship with our daughters.

Our households are also very different. Mine is of firm love, accountability, affection, consistency and rules. Hers is … well, they all call their mom their “bestie” if that says anything.

Although legally I still have 50/50 joint and physical custody, the alienation is bad enough that through manipulation I currently only see our daughters for one dinner per week, supervised by my ex-father-in-law. This has gone on since mid-July because the judge “doesnt want blood on her hands” as two of the four girls claim that they are suicidal…but only at dad’s house. My ex has filed to have me stripped of my parental rights. We return to court at the end of November for a two day hearing to hash everything out finally.

I have always made it a point to never talk bad about their mother and have always told them that it is important to me that they have an equal and healthy relationship with both parents. From day one I have told myself “I love my children more than I could ever hate their mother”. She on the flip side has made it very obvious that she has no respect for me and has absolute disdain for me and the kids know it. I have examples of texts where she refers to me by my first name to the kids and has extremely inappropriate conversations with them in regards to me.

When the girls were with me you would have never guessed there were any issues. We get along, we laugh, we talk, we play games… But, slowly as they get older, my relationship with them fades. My 16 year old used to be my shadow until mom and I split and she became the one her mom confided in. She couldn’t wait to turn 16 so she could be “free” according to the texts with mom. She hasn’t been to my house in 6 months. My 14 year old is very stubborn and a lot like me – and right now she claims she hates my guts. But, then I’ll get an “I love you too” text every now and then. My two younger ones were very very close to me – but the crabs in the bucket have pulled them in and now they both claim they want very little to do with me.

What breaks my heart the most is I can see the guilt and confusion on their faces at our dinners. They know this isn’t fair, nor is it right. But, they have a role to play to keep mom happy. They like the freedom and lifestyle they have at moms and they wouldn’t dare go against their other sisters.

I still get a glimpse of hope every now and then. Last week after our dinner my youngest two wanted to come and see our new house we moved into a month ago. You could see the realization of this on my youngest’s face when she got there and saw my fiance (who she was extremely close to), our family dog, the family cat. The hug she gave me before they left with their grandfather…she didnt want to let go. It breaks my heart that they have to go through this. But….as soon as she got back, the crabs pulled her right back in and back to the crummy messages from her.

I have two stepsons that live with me 50% of the time, ages 13 and 15. Perfect grades, perfect attendance, sports, earning their own money, respectful, social, happy – they are thriving! My daughters are failing classes, missing school, on antidepressants, seeing therapists. lying to their mother, sick all the time, allegiedly suicidal – all while in the exclusive care of their mother. But, according to the forms filled out for the therapists it’s because I am emotionally and verbally abusive… If that were the case wouldn’t these two boys – who admittedly I am less affectionate and harder on than I was my daughters – wouldn’t they be experiencing the same issues? Instead, they are doing amazing.

Shouldn’t that count for something??

I dont want to “give up” the fight but the more I fight, the worse it seems to get. There are days when I want to throw my hands up and say “this is what you asked for, now live with the regrets when you get older” and then I have to remind myself they deserve better than this. I am the product of PA and my resentment I have for my father (now passed) for robbing me of 12+ years with my mother is so much stronger than the disdain I had for my mother when I was a child. Now, to me that woman is a saint and I cannot imagine not having a relationship with my mother. I want to protect my children from the same regrets I now have.

Sorry – this is turning into a rant/vent. I’m so exhausted and emotionally drained. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt – but I dont have these feelings towards my children, I have them FOR my children. They are the victims in this. They are missing out on a relationship with my family. They are the ones being robbed of a relationship with a father that adores them and has only ever wanted what is best for them.

Point in all of this is that I need some insight…I have been granted a Parental Alienation Assessment to be performed but honestly, I’m on the fence about this. No matter what happens, I lose. If I do nothing and this continues, my relationship with our daughters continues to erode and unless the courts do something drastic, in November I fear that my children will wash their hands of me. If I win, and she is somehow held accountable, the girls will see me as the villain that has their mother being punished. I’ve painted myself into a corner and dont know what to do.

I am in Newaygo County in Michigan and I dont know what the courts do in cases like this. I have mountains of evidence of Parental Alienation – but is it going to do me any good? Am I going to spend thousands and thousands of dollars only to have it set aside like the rest of the evidence I have provided over the years? The judge looked at two photos of a conversation I had printed and said that there was Due Cause for the assessment but didn’t look at the 40+ others I had with me in court that day.

Is it worth the money and hassle of the Parental Alienation Assessment?

Has anyone had a beneficial outcome from doing so?