Narcissistic Twist Truths, They are the Victum

what a very disturbed ex spouse does to his own flesh and blood, and spouse.

How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story

By Darius Cikanavicius, Author, Certified Coach


People with strong narcissistic tendencies are known for certain destructive social patterns. Anybody who has had the misfortune of dealing with these types of people may notice that whenever there’s a conflict or any type of disagreement, they tend to act in an abhorrent yet predictable manner.

In this article we will explore the common behaviors and scenarios where narcissistic and otherwise toxic people (hereafter narcissists) play the victim and manipulate the narrative.

Delusion and denial

Narcissists can’t deal with reality because it contradicts what they want to be true, and this creates painful emotions. As a coping mechanism, they learn to delude themselves that what is real is actually not real, and however they see the situation is real, even though it isn’t.

Sometimes they truly see it that way. Other times it’s just a story they tell themselves and others. And often the longer you tell a story, the more you believe it, even if initially you know it’s not true. And so eventually they may start truly believing it.

Either way, the first step is to create a version of events that is an alternative to what actually happened or what’s going on.


While delusion is more of an internal process, lying and denial is often in the context of other people.

Regular people deal with their problems by themselves, internally. Or they discuss it in a very private setting: in therapy or among very close, healthy people. Narcissists don’t have people like that in their life and are not really interested in actually resolving anything or being introspective.

Narcissists simply want to know that they are in the right. For that, they need other people’s false validation to regulate their shaky self-esteem. They need to find people who would agree with them. And in order for others to agree with them, these other people either need to be terribly unhealthy and unable to recognize their toxic tendencies, or the narcissist needs to lie and present a different story than what is actually true.

Here, they tend to flip the roles where they are good, noble, caring, virtuous and the other person is evil, cruel, selfish, and immoral. Which brings us to the next point….


The most common way narcissists create alternative narratives is by projecting. We’ve talked about narcissistic projection in a separate article but to extract the main point, narcissists love to project.

If they say that the other person is jealous of them, then you know that the narcissist is jealous. If they say that the other person was cruel to them, then you know that the narcissist was cruel to the other person. If they say that the other person was lying and cheating, then you know they were the one lying and cheating.

Yes, sometimes it’s not as simple and there could be unhealthy behavior on both sides, but more often than not whatever the narcissist is presenting the other person as is a much more accurate description of the narcissist.

Whatever the case may be, the mechanism here is that in the narcissist’s mind they try to attribute their own unhealthy behavior, perspective, and character traits to the other person because it shifts attention and responsibility from them. And if the other person “is” all these bad things then it can’t be that I am these things—thinks the narcissist—I’m the good guy here.

Framing the story

Narcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved party reacted to their toxic behavior, framing it as if that’s where the story started (see picture).

Or they twist it by using euphemisms and deceiving language (“I’m not controlling, I just want what’s best for you.”).

For example, if a narcissist dislikes you and tries to bully you but you stand up for yourself, they will frame it as if they are the ones being a victim of bullying. In their narrative they were just doing their thing or joking around and you started being mean to them. Meanwhile, they simply left out what happened beforehand when they bullied you, so actually you “being mean” to them is a normal response to toxic behavior.

Here, by leaving out or downplaying their aggression they simply frame you engaging in self-defense as vile aggression against them. And then they think: “How dare you react or challenge me! You’re so sensitive and unfair! That’s why you deserve everything that’s coming!”

Slander, triangulation, character assassination

There are several ways how the narcissist employs their lies and projections, and the goal is always to turn others against you in hope that they won’t try to figure out the truth.

One of the ways to do that is triangulation. In psychology, it means controlling and manipulating communication between two parties. It is related to gossiping, smearing, and slandering, where the narcissist spreads false information around. A more extreme version of all of that is character assassination, where the lies are much more severe and damaging.

Closer analysis

If you actually examine the narcissist’s narrative, you quickly notice that they are full of crap.

For instance if you examine a narcissistic parent who tells others how you hurt them and say mean things, you quickly notice that they are the one who constantly demeans, disrespects, and manipulates the adult-child. And when the child becomes more assertive and stops giving them resources (time, money, attention), they see it as aggression because they feel entitled to those resources.

If you examine further, you notice that not only the narcissistic parent was initially disrespecting the adult-child’s boundaries, but is also retaliating further now by manipulating others into siding with them.

The same is the case in professional environments or personal relationships. The narcissistic party does something toxic, the aggrieved party reacts and stops the perpetrator or distances from them, and then the narcissist retaliates by trying to shape the social opinion into a narrative where they are the good, righteous party. Sometimes they even convince others to bully and intimidate the target further.

These methods often rely on the target not having a support system or being isolated. This increases the narcissist’s chances of others siding with them and not with the victim.

Summary and closing words

Narcissists can’t accept that they may not be wonderful people. They are also incredibly fragile when facing an idea that perhaps they did something wrong, especially if others can see it. Therefore if there’s a conflict they will do anything and everything to maintain a fantasy that they are always good, all while perceiving the other party as evil.

Not only that, they need other people’s validation that their delusion is true. To achieve that, they create preposterous, slanderous, manipulative narratives where all of that is true and try to convince others of it. And since many people are unwilling and unable to look into the truth behind it, the narcissist can find that validation they so desperately crave and even act out their revenge fantasies. Often the reason is as simple as hating to see others doing well because they themselves are miserable.

As a result, sometimes people get seriously hurt: socially, financially, emotionally, or even physically. But the narcissist doesn’t care about that. In fact they are often glad, because in their narrative the target deserves it by being “evil,” so whatever happens is justified.

Of course not everyone can see the truth when listening to the narcissist but it’s quite evident looking from the outside or if you have enough psychological insight and experience. And if you are wise and educated enough on it, you can avoid getting into these situation, minimize the damage, sever your ties with them more quickly, and protect yourself better.

Attachment Disorder: When the Very Foundation of Being Human is Altered – Emerging Mama

Attachment Disorder: When the Very Foundation of Being Human is Altered – Emerging Mama
— Read on

A favourite tactic of abusers now has a name – DARVO

Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

A favourite tactic of abusers is DARVO which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and Offender. This tactic is widely used by abusers and doesn’t only apply to sexual offenders.

Jennifer J Freyd at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences, Stanford Univerity has drawn attention to the phenomenon of DARVO amongst wrongdoers with a particular focus on sexual offenders.

In my experience any manipulative character (psychopath/sociopath/narcissist) will engage in this manoeuvre when challenged over their behaviour. This applies in settings ranging from the home to the court room to the societal scale.

Abusers have learned to adopt what is sometimes known as the “complementary moral defense” to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. In adopting this “defense” which is more of an offensive manoeuvre, they adopt the infallible righteous position and attempt to locate all badness outside of themselves in an attempt to maintain dominance…

View original post 366 more words

What happens when you break up with a psychopath and you have kids

Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

It is quite common for a male abuser to claim to be the perfect father and accuse his ex-partner of trying to alienate the children. In reality he is only interested in continuing to control his ex-partner and uses the children to abuse by proxy [my own opinions and experience, always take legal advice]

When you break up with a man with psychopathic traits, especially if you initiate the breakup, in the words of Profesor Dr. Iñaki Piñuel, an expert on relationships with psychopaths, you need to prepare for a “nuclear winter” that lasts for years.

Psychopaths see the breakdown of the relationship as a challenge to their dominance. You belong to them and you have their stuff (the kids). They would rather destroy you than allow you to escape their control.

The following is based on my own experience of leaving a man with psychopathic traits but I have…

View original post 1,343 more words

Abusers in the Family Court and the double binds that lead to complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse

A double bind is a no-win dilemma in which to avoid circumstance A you must take an action resulting in another circumstance B, which is also harmful. There is no route you can take to avoid the initial traumatic circumstance without engendering another.

Double binds are used deliberately in torture situations to break victims psychologically. They are also very common in custody disputes against abusive personalities. The following are based on my personal experiences in a custody dispute with a man with psychopathic traits:

Double Bind 1

You feel guilty, blame yourself for his behaviour, and are easily convinced to give him more chances but he abuses you more and creates more chaos. He confuses you and tells you it is all your fault. You fall further under his control due to his threats and have even more trouble setting strong boundaries. By trying to appease him, this gives him…

View original post 1,289 more words

WHO WE REALLY ARE – Some holiday thoughts, wishes and HOPE for the year ahead.

After Narcissistic Abuse

We ARE strong, we ARE centered, and WE are loving people with empathy that got pulled into the dysfunctional chaos of emotional and psychological abuse from of a Narcissist’s dark world and lack of a REAL identity. Through all of this we lost ourselves. We gave up so much of who we are trying to reconcile things, fix the many wrongs we were blamed for, as well as constantly pacifying the Narcissist. We were smothered by this connection with a Narcissist. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that his/her needs and demands were unending and none of this was about ANY type of normal love, a normal bond, or any type of a relationship beyond the Narcissist’s needs – and it was destructive to all of us at so many levels. We never had a place in the Narcissist’s world beyond what we could give and what they took from…

View original post 259 more words

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

Detached parenting , has failed . Uncle/Brother/Friend has failed.

Opposition has failed .

Attachment is the correct path , yet C-PTSD has been labeled

as everything but what it is..Prescriptive , mind altering, soul

snatching , physically debilitating does not being to heal

and ignoring it is not working .

If trauma and the subsequent lack of connection sets the stage for addiction, could restoring connection be the solution?
— Read on

Child custody interference is a crime in Texas | WOAI

Contrary to what many think, obstruction of child visitation isn’t just a civil matter, it’s a crime. A mother we will refer to only as Claudia to protect the identity of her sons, said history is repeating itself. “I went from having a healthy relationship with loving a boy, two boys to having no visitation,” Claudia said. She began losing contact with her oldest son after one of his trips to California to visit his dad when he was a teenager.
— Read on

60.000 fathers who committed suicide in the last 40 years because of family court

1 son had vocalized his concern in that I am anti man

which could not be further from the truth. Father’s

are now aware , doing skin to skin, bonding as never

before .

It is for the best interest of the child, preventing stress

that is predicted by government statistic crunchers

that we are going to witness parents outliving their

children. Stress does affect physical and mental and

spiritual health and can be transformed .

Part of that is our return to Natural Time , and attention

to a more peace filled , harmonic life , will be demanded

by children whose wisdoms demand factual truth.

50/50 Parenting and transforming our culture that seemed

intent on suicide . Induced addictions are being revealed as

we grasp the enormity of the shadow that has infected and

misinformed in abuses that are inhumane .

#ErasingFamiles for corporate profit , holding the negative “codes”

that are barbaric , shameful in the treatment and blame

of one person. Targeted parents , whole families erased

as a recent study indicated a whole generation could be

wiped out.

So many have come together , despite the horrid abuses

and further shameful actions of professions , who have been

miseducated , induced into systems that take humans from

their hearts contentment .

So we teach , we inform, we exemplify positive modalities

as we return to love , and eradicate a parent/child dissolution

that in the long run, has many exiting unnaturally .

I have held hope in the deepest part of me, for over 30 years

the shadow of over 50 years would lift , with so many

affected , many are unaware …

It’s enough to know , #WeGotThis, and I urge all to hang on ,

as we correct all that adversely affects the child .


And so I Bless these father’s , who lives were so deeply

affected and ignored in the lives of there child , and pledge

to do all I can to share myself , as the Mom of 3 young men

sister of 2 , daughter of a Dad who ” mothered ” me.


watched the Gandhi clip prior to me writing this.

I really am a lover of peaceful resistance.

While I appreciate your point of view, I have had many interactions with the APA. The last having spoken directly with Dr. Daniel (President of the APA 2018, 617-355-6734) personally.

To be as direct as possible, the statements from Dr. Daniel & the APA’s letter to President Donald Trump June 14th 2018:

“The best interest of a child is to keep families together”

“Lifelong emotion damage”, “Higher ACE’s score”, “Trauma”, “Suicide of a Honduran man”

The APA put this letter together from their decades of experience and unquestionable evidence.

They did not need a specialized committee to review what was right and what was wrong.

This is the APA’s own written statement to the highest person in our country.

By their own written statements, the APA and Dr. Daniel are murderers of children and parents. That is not a comment to try an invoke a reaction, but it is stone cold fact that the APA is absolutely proof positive that the separation of families causes suicide.

I have never in my entire life become part of a group where Complex PTSD and suicide Ideation is almost nearly 100% of the group.

I have seen dozens of suicides in just the last 4 years including, self-emulation, guns, asphyxiation and the murdering of the innocent children.

The APA’s own ethics department wrote to me refusing to answer about psychologists ethical responsibilities in reporting child abuse, protecting from harm, doing an assessment prior to diagnosis and more.

I am done playing games with the APA. The website is all facts and is covered by my first amendment rights. If they do not like it they can pay their lawyers, send me letters, take me to court, but I’ll be damned if I sit on my ass and do nothing while another child loses a parent or parent loses a child.

This is the building where 1000’s of judges, lawyers and law clerks work – and not ONE of them did anything to save the 60,000 fathers who committed suicide in the last 40 years Parental Alienation (PA) is the child’s unjustified campaign of denigration against a parent
— Read on