Musing tonight on the eve of this last supermoon of 2020, and the triangular effects of 3.
I dont recall my age but the event , of asking Dad “Why do you love Mama more than me ? I recall he bent down eye level and held my shoulders lovingly, and looked me in the eye , and very distinctly recall his words ” I dont love her more, I love her different!” I understood, and looked at Mama , and her face was expressive without words ; she was very displeased ..
It always seemed to between us, and I was utilized from a very early age as an “emotional partner” within my parents marriage .
Very early indroctoniated in the triauluar relationship, that showed up in brothers as well.
Research and family input , drove my desire to know Mom, in ways she never shared with me .
She grew up on 300 hundred acres of farm land and I can recall cows that roamed in the yard , a healthy distance from the half wrap front porch . That farm was sold to a power company for $10,000 and some acerage . I recall my joy for this land, the chickapen nut trees , and Grandaddy Grayson Ozwald , hiking us to high ground , and pointing to a far off place where pond would be .. He had lived there , and saw it before and after as I had not . His home , a simple brick ranch and dock, elevated, across the way were cliffs of rock ..Nothing was removed, all was abandoned as pond was created . Graveyards , house, outbuildings, and it was so freaky , I really hated getting in off shore . Mom was given a cove lot, that without discussion was sold , in the 80s , and I am sure I would have been interested at that time partnered it would have made perfect sense. Only a cousin lives there currently in the home inherited .
I perceived Mom was very close to her Dad and she shared a wild nature like he did , natural and unspoken .. Her Mom was high strung , and adversely affected me , but was explained in many ways, and included her being addicted to Valum through AMA medicine. There was love between Mom and Granny , though she never discussed it , Dad said Mom was the worker bee at home, doing housework, with or for the family .
I am aware of the Twlight Sleep given her, and her trauma from 2 deliveries that produced a girl who never knew her Dad , and was not able to bond to Dad .
The 2nd was born dead, a forced birth that most likely left Mom very depleted .I have no idea when Joyce Marie was born, but 1 year later I was born , and Mom was so drugged with opiates that we did not really attach.
My Pisces to her Sagittarius, was uber subtly competitive, and I never understood why.. It was my natural inclination to lean in to Dad who leaned into me ..It was very heavy and I could not fix it , and after my marriage it , grew much better , as having children keyed me into her world on a level I have not understood before . I was called on more and more to council one or the other and intervene .. It was my joy to treat both of them to gifts , and so it was devastating to loose her so very early , after so long a decline . And I was aware of her deep, deep pain, and worsening health that multiplied as she listened to the AMA , and denied life style changes and nutrinial changes that ,combined with independent research could have aided her..
My younger sister was into into alternative way sooner than I and tried to educate us, especially Mom and Dad .
Mom gave in , and it felt like she gave up.I was drugged into bipolar , my nightmare was constant as I saw my world fall apart culminating in the end of a partnership that I had long come to acknowledge was triangular.
I had acknowledged it many , many times but I had no how deep the bond , how sinister the trauma bond of mother and son. And the side effects that have cost many families dearly over generations as 1 partner is targeted in the triangle that denies the trinity of the natural flow of parent and child .
Targeted for 4 decades , as I was allowed to participate as a surrogate, a maid, whatever was needed , in a winner take all.
It is a severe form of child abuse that does leave lasting consequences, and those show in adjunct to many detaching and distracting as well as addictive influences that further burden the male who has not been allowed , to learn to regulate his only feelings , only the option of anger or self isolation.
All manner of triangles have come to exist , siblings , friends and each of the men I married . Noting the 1st 2, quickly I moved through them quickly but carried shame and guilt in failure , then relief.
I was blind to the 3rd . And I accept my lack of confidence, my ignorance of triangles especially on a level that has born out facts that are being addressed on high, thus releasing me from this triangle .
I am not responsible, nor our our sons , our grandchildren for this bond , that denies our truths and 4 decades of the side effects are being communicated.
Tis not shame , nor blame but responsibility finally acknowledged , releasing us finally , breaking the karma not only of shame , but of not healing it ,holding it for others to discern. The drama of trauma can and does show up in everybody , and actions have indeed left a cumb trail that clears up the unfitness of my Mothering , as fear is utilized in language that demonizes me, to protect the truth.
Triade awaits , the conclusion of interference in relationships, as I lean in to one love , that leans into me and I am eternally grateful for the conclusion of so much grief and heartbreak , and step into all that is and ever will be holy in intimate friendship , in love , in forever and ever Amen .
And given that my nurture is self directed at this juncture , as I prepare to release that I might receive , and open my world to the world , finally liberated by so much positive energy and facts, and dedicated to sharing a deeper love .
All that should be, shall be returned ♥️😘🎁♾🕊🎶🦅🐸🌐♥️♥️♥️🌈🔥🎊♥️♥️🥰🦄🐯
Blessings & Peace