This song applies to men in my life, Beloved’s,
so many who have been separated from their life
as beings vs doers…Devalued , as Spiritual,
Sensitive , In all manner of ways in the
culture of suicide , I certainly noted in Mama
who did not hear me, to Dad who did , and
checked into it .. He researched, read , watched
informative programs on his own time , which
was precious little. His inability to correctly
articulate his feelings , was awkward , funny
teasing and enduring .. I had no problem
being honest with him , and that was paramount
as I came to in 2003 , and in that heightened inducement
of mania , I picked up the gauntlet to insure
his last years would witness his Divine Rebirth
Of Spirit and out of the Shadow .
So intensely independent , I had not been allowed
to have an awareness of his personal stuff. He
discussed health issues , lack of care therein ,
concerned about cost, government, etc
and I watched the diminishment, intensify
having no clue of his RX which were guided
by a NP family add on who rescued him
often out her stash.. It’s common , both
having wads Of prescriptions as is common
if you’re in the business…of AMA death ..
Dad spent many years out of it , doing his
coping , self care , holed up in his home
in his BarcaLounger , content in his world.
Blocked grief was slowly and gently released
as I healed and as he began his in / out ,
I was allowed the gift of recalling him of
both his Mom and his wife , whom he
had openly mourned in a culture of society
that withdrew from him , in the pain
associated with another’s grief , and pain.
Only his youngest sister whom called every
Sunday , cared deeply and heard him
when I was unable by psychiatry, DA ,
and loss of our children’s faith and love.
I put it together in those last years , with
an awareness in the last 18 months , foretold
and put into motion to create the most
deserved Divine exit, including releasing
him from guilt , shame, all the lower energy
which were evoked by those caretakers
who profited in many ways , including
the Karmic fallout , they were ill prepared
Releasing with him was freaking hard, but
I stood, even as I was shamed . I walked
away , in my not being allowed to know
his diagnosis .
Until the very end …
However , I realized that like the child he was
to my mother , and vice verse , I had to gift him
by letting him go, in my consciousness .
I allowed my heart to break open at his
bravery , for being my guide , in grieving
as I was unable to as Mim exited in 99
and scream at the denial, due psychiatry
shadow and the gift in that because her exit
would have triggered so many traumas
as an unhealed survivor , I could have lost
myself permanently in the matrix ..
She had hung in until sister Bonnie , her
1st joined her in a portal of welcome as they
both crossed .
Mom was waiting , undone , watching over
each of us since 1999.. Dad held in until
2012, as he openly expressed his concern for
“How would I be without him”. I touched my
heart , then my head , I assured him he
would always and forever be , as would Mom.
The pain associated with my childhood
was by then tempered , reviewed , reduced
in such a way to make it all about him.
Ideally , but without support , I was unable
due to his concern of burning through his
estate , and leaving me nothing .
As I had been disadvantaged in my marriage
as he reviewed his loss , he was StockholmEd
as revenge and greed in real time allowed
me to know I was out of that matrix for sure
as threats rained from mouths of womb mates
I realized my error in judgement of masculine
energy was an in-house filter , that created
my ability to sense that in men , totally
missing the narcissist who is the trauma
victim often forever and ever .
As this song denotes the standard masculine
concept of his worth , upheld by an unconscious
family/partner/society is relegated to an end
such as it was.
Proudly Dad labored toward his open portal
towards Divine that I witnessed over the hours
and he did resists , drugged into submission
morphined that there were no words to be
Our connection was such , that words
were not necessary .
I requested and received music to aid him
for hours , his music .. Amongst the lowest
of low for this Beloved Father Of Light
(Abner) I watched as he rose , to join his
angels and spirit guide , witnessed his seeing
them at least 6 times and I was eased
into releasing him into the loving arms
he so deserved .
What was negative in the exit was external
energy of lower consciousness that did not
deflect the Divinity . The sibling abuses
continued with legal abuse , financial abuse
threats and control ..Spewing their toxic
emotions, I was aware of the finality of Dads
earth existence was ending the abusive
sibling contract , and that was indeed
a gift as a elder responsible Old Soul .
It was much like a labor, a birth in
witnessing Dad’s exit , regretting Mama
did not have the same experience ..letting
go..allowing light to heal the shadow , but
NOT ONCE regretful of his much delayed
He exited as he was assured I was ok.
He was aware and is of what went down
and will guide and protect me in my truth
and revelations , finding my voice even
as my heart pounds , to STAND for the
more conscious choices in child rearing
divine masculine of balanced natures
and nurture ..
Knowing you are enough is essential
Not allowing anyone to abuse that , in any
manner will cost ya, dearly …
Dad left here knowing better , as I give
Thanks each day for his essential light
and love ,
For each man ready to receive the message
Top of the World bringing heaven to earth
requires effort you are worthy and capable
of , and the Beloved awaits your tempered
fire and return to love , ever lasting
ever and ever more .
Blessings & Peace ,